Marriage: a decision or a feeling?

OK. I'm like doing 4 blogs in a day. Just collective thoughts saved somewhere, and now I decide to publish (some of) it. You can continue to assume that i'm too free or too OTT in blogging. Yes, i'm a virgin blogger.

======================================================================

Some comments on an article written by some "wise, been there done that" person.

At first read, it seemed to make a lot sense. Never take things for granted, relationships need work. Blah. Blah. Blah.

I read it again. In summary, author seems to suggest that ALL marriages need work, with the who what why when how. ALL marriages need work? I mean, not that loosely defined: ALL marriages' survival are based on hard work and discipline, next to nothing on spontaneity and passion...???

The flowers and lingerie of concerted efforts come with much romance and joy. Lee Hwa Jewellery has a repeat customer and ESPN plays for 72 hours.

Is that really because we have to?

I'd be pretty freaked out if next time something nice happens and I hear a voice in my head that says "this is for your marriage to work; do the same and you will get peace". Think about what it does to self-worth. I have to work hard so my husband will love me BACK? I know all relationships are investments, but you do not to keep a notebook in your pocket to be reminded of that.

There are studies and formulae on everything and for anything. It's starting to boil down to unnecessary inventions and procedure. Like, I dont know, genetic engineering, plastic surgery? You set guidelines for things to improve, at the end of the day although problems are solved, but you open up a can of worms.

So, after saying all these, do I have a point?

Well yes. Moderation. One word. Period. You dont need a seminar or a thesis.


======================================================================

DID I MARRY THE RIGHT PERSON?

During one of our seminars, a woman asked a common question. She said, "How do I know if I married the right person?"

I noticed that there was a large man sitting next to her so I said, "It depends. Is that your husband?"

In all seriousness, she answered "How do you know?"

Let me answer this question because the chances are
good that it's weighing on your mind.

Here's the answer.

EVERY relationship has a cycle. In the beginning, you fell in love with your spouse. You anticipated their call, wanted their touch, and liked their idiosyncrasies.

Falling in love with your spouse wasn't hard. In fact, it was a completely natural and spontaneous experience. You didn't have to DO anything. That's why it's called "falling" in love... Because it's happening TO YOU.

People in love sometimes say, "I was swept of my feet." Think about the imagery of that expression. It implies that you were just standing there; doing nothing, and then something came along and happened TO YOU.

Falling is love is easy. It's a passive and spontaneous experience.

But after a few years of marriage, the euphoria of love fades. It's the natural cycle of EVERY relationship. Slowly but surely, phone calls become a bother (if they come at all), touch is not always welcome (when it happens), and your spouse's idiosyncrasies, instead of being cute, drive you nuts.

The symptoms of this stage vary with every relationship, but if you think about your marriage, you will notice a dramatic difference between the initial stage when you were in love and a much duller or even angry subsequent stage.

At this point, you and/or your spouse might start asking, "Did I marry the right person?" And as you and your spouse reflect on the euphoria of the love you once had, you may begin to desire that experience with someone else. This is when marriages breakdown. People blame their spouse for their unhappiness and look outside their marriage for fulfillment.

Extramarital fulfillment comes in all shapes and sizes. Infidelity is the most obvious. But sometimes people turn to work,a hobby, a friendship, excessive TV, or abusive substances.

But the answer to this dilemma does NOT lie outside your marriage. It lies within it.

I'm not saying that you couldn't fall in love with someone else. You could.

And TEMPORARILY you'd feel better. But you'd be in the same situation a few years later. Because (listen carefully to this):


THE KEY TO SUCCEEDING IN MARRIAGE IS NOT FINDING THE
RIGHT PERSON; IT'S LEARNING TO LOVE THE PERSON YOU FOUND.


SUSTAINING love is not a passive or spontaneous experience. It'll NEVER just happen to you. You can't "find" LASTING love. You have to "make" it day in and day out. That's why we have the expression "the labor of love."

Because it takes time, effort, and energy. And most importantly, it takes WISDOM. You have to know WHAT TO DO to make your marriage work.

Make no mistake about it. Love is NOT a mystery. There are specific things you can do (with or without your spouse) to succeed with your marriage.

Just as there are physical laws of the universe (such as gravity), there are also laws for relationships. Just as the right diet and exercise program makes you physically stronger, certain habits in your relationship WILL make your marriage stronger. It's a direct cause and effect. If you know and apply the laws, the results are predictable... you can "make" love.

Love in marriage is indeed a "decision"... Not just a feeling.